“nakainom ka ba?”
“dapat alam mo yan. ginusto mo eh”
“nag drugs ka ba?”

16 years old pa lang ako that time, nagka sex tape na. Kumalat. Pinag-chismisan. Inayawan. Sinabihang “ang amo ng itsura pero may kating tinatago.” kasi despite sa nangyari, pinagtanggol ko parin jowa ko kahit mali.

Ang hindi alam ng mga tao, napilitan lang ako makipag intercourse. Napilitan lang din ako sa tape kahit ayaw na ayaw ko yun. May mga gabi na umiiyak ako kasi pumayag ako at duming-dumi na sa sarili. May mga times na ni rerecord na pala ng jowa ko ang intercourse namin ng hindi ko alam. I really didn’t know what’s the concept of consent back then. I didn’t know I was raped by my boyfriend. I didn’t know it was a sexual abuse.

People call me “Pokpok” without knowing my story. People continued to slutshame and victim blame because of my tape. I have no one to run to and to talk to. Each day it gets heavier because my family as well blames me for what I did.

Buong buhay ko (Until now) Ninang ko ang nag aalaga sa akin so mas malapit ako sa kanya kaysa sa Nanay ko. 12 years old ako when it happened, overnight sa bahay ng kapatid ng Ninang ko pero hindi lang kami yung mag over night dahil yung katrabaho ng asawa ni Tita (kapatid ni Ninang) makiki overnight din due to personal reasons.

May diary po kasi ako, mahilig ako mag sulat ever since pero one time naabutan ko yung kasama ng katrabaho ni Tito binabasa yung diary ko, I snatched it away from him and he was laughing at me.

After that, Iniiwasan ko siya and then it happened, noong may parada sa labas ng bahay lahat lumabas maliban sa aming dalawa. Tumayo lang ako para lumabas and he touched me where he shouldn’t be touching me. Ang bilis.. Parang wala lng sa kanya?

Hindi ako nag sumbong pero pinilit ko si Ninang na umuwi na kami and I can still remember it. That conversation…

“Mapili sa ulam yan si J eh.” Sabi ni Ninang habang kumakain kami.
“Mukhang mahirap alagaan si J ah.” My abuser said.

Bakit may balak ba siya? Those words made my skin crawl. Sinundo kami ni Mommy, tinanong ako bakit gusto kong umuwi na homesick daw ba ako. Tahimik ako until nakauwi kami.

I was 16 and fresh into college, in a place greatly different than what I’m used to, a vast university campus to my prior meek-seeming school. I quickly found solace in the arms of the ROTC unit.

I was a very outspoken person, almost never afraid of calling out harassments , whether or not they’d affect my work. I gave out advices to my youngers and fellows, and even my older friends, they even be the one to come to me, sometimes.

We were invited out to drink, like many times before- you might know where this is going. Turns out to be the house of a senior of ours. Everything was going well, for an inuman. I asked a friend for a ride back, to which he agreed. That was until said senior tried to make moves on my extremely inebriated buddy. I stood up and told them to sod off, eventually , they did.

I had made up my mind that I was going to go home with her, though not being close to her.
It was late and there were only a few of us left, we played truth or dare, it got slightly out of hand, but nothing I couldn’t have dealt with, he never heeded all the signals that I didn’t want his touches, I even slammed his hand on the metal leg of a table.

I wanted to go home, my friend did too, the one who said yes to bring me home, and he told me no, for whatever reason, but I suspected that he thought I was willing prey to our senior, I was heartbroken but mad, so he left and stood to go and hail a tricycle, when the said senior came back and ordered my buddies to go into the bedroom and lock the door. He kissed me, I broke free and ran to the bedroom door, foolish.

Locked, why didn’t I go for the main door? Why didn’t they have half the gall I had to help me like I helped our fellow buddy? Why did I let him strip me without struggle? Why didn’t I kick and hit him harder when he picked me up? Why didn’t I close my legs? Why did I go out to drink? Why did I go out with my fellows? Why did I trust them? Why am I such an open person? Why am I meeting people? Why didn’t I wear longer shorts or longer sleeves? Why didn’t I wear less accessible clothing? Why didn’t I say no like I really meant it? Why was I ever trying to be calm and polite earlier in the evening? Why, why, why? Why did I sleep so much in the day? Why did my smile not reach my face? Why can’t they see lesser light in my eyes? Why am I doing so bad at everything?

I used to be so cheery, then a friend told me “Hey, I can’t recognize you without you smiling” , so I smiled for them then and cried for myself later in the night. I have lost so much.

Why am I being blamed?

He continues as is, while every moment is a constant reminder, not even my dreams can I find respite.

He can forget, whereas I will be forced to remember.

I was in JHS when it happened, I was wearing a knee length skirt partnered with a white shirt. I was waiting for a jeepney and to my surprise a taxi suddenly stopped in front of me. He said “Sakay ka na dito, free ka na”.

I was internally screaming from all the fear and shock I felt at that moment. I said no, but he still insisted and offered me a free ride again. I was too shocked, so I immediately rode the next jeepney. Unfortunately, the only seat available was in between the driver and a passenger.

Again, the passenger beside me, a guy, suddenly started talking to me and asking me questions about myself. I was too hesitant to answer, so I just smiled at him hoping he would stop. He didn’t tho, he kept on asking my name, age, if i was a student. I didn’t want to waste my transpo fee, so I answered him fake answers. He just kept on asking if I had a boyfriend, and the moment I didn’t reply, the tone of his voice got louder. At that time, I was still shocked from the taxi incident, so I pretended to receive a call from someone and got down from the jeepney ride.

I was so scared that time, I never felt safe whenever I was commuting. 🙁

It was around 12 midnight when I took the bus from Shaw going to Cavite. I fell asleep the moment I closed my eyes. I remember waking up because this guy sitting next to me was groping my breast. I remember feeling cold & scared. I was frozen. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t ask for help. I couldn’t even look at this person.

I thought since I can’t change seat because the bus was full of passengers and I was on the window side, I had to think of ways to protect myself. I leaned my upper body forward. This guy did stop touching my breast. But once a monster, always a monster. He then started putting his hand on my left thigh. I know it’s easy to ask sexually assaulted victims, “Why didn’t you shout and ask for help?”. But that night made me realize asking for help is not always easy. I was wearing shorts and a tshirt with my jacket on. Yet all I kept on thinking was, “Will someone believe me. I am fat, will someone believe me?”.

Oh and by the way, this happened late at night, after I thought someone as my friend sexually assualted me earlier that day. That night was exhausting. Really exhausting.

I rode at the back of the tricycle on my way to school (here in Cebu, the tricycle sidecars had seats at the back, facing the next vehicle) and I was wearing my school uniform that was a few inches below my knee, dress type.

While on the road, there was a man driving his motorcycle and was catching up to the vehicle I was on, hence, I was in front of him, not to mention I was the only passenger at the back. He had his face covered and had sunglasses on. I then noticed his right hand let go of the grip of his motorcycle and instead, positioned it below his abdomen. Little did I know his zipper was already open and his thingy is already exposed. Him, upon seeing the shocked expression on my face, then patted his little friend like nothing happened.

It took me a while to process that what he did was inappropriate. I was sixteen.

When I was around 5 or 6, our yaya’s son who at that time I believe was 19 or 20 lived with us.

Every night, he’d watch over me as I played with my friends in front of our house. He would sometimes rub his crotch on my butt while I sat on his lap. I never knew that was a bad thing so I never said anything about it.

Consequently, when I was a year older, our yaya’s other son lived with us. He was around a year or two older than me, and he made me touch his private parts while I blindly obliged. I met him again when I was 17 and he was around 18. He was hired to take care of my grandpa. He always made me feel uncomfortable and kept on talking about that incident. I had to block him off of all social media sites as he kept pestering me.

Those two sons of our old yaya have tainted my childhood.

I was 20 yo, wearing a knee length skirt and a shirt, when a guy who was sitting across me in a jeepney kept glancing at me.

I dismissed it by thinking that he was just looking outside of my direction to see where we are already. I was with my bf that time, and when we arrived at our destination, my bf went down first. When I crouched & walked towards the jeep’s opening (we were seated at the middle part), I felt a hand quickly touching my thigh up until my crotch area. It was from the left side where the man was seated.

It happened too fast, I lagged. That was really traumatic because I had no sexual experience yet and that was the 1st time I was touched in those places!

This happened when I was in Grade 12.

Me and my cousin rode a jeep after we submitted our documents for our scholarship. And this Muslim guy (he is wearing traditional Muslim clothing) hopped beside me. The passengers that time were my cousin on my left and this guy on my right when I felt something touching my leg, and saw his hand near my right leg.

I thought it was just a mistake so I didn’t mind. But in just few minutes I feel his hand trying to touch my butt. He keeps on squeezing his fingers between the chair where I am sitting at. And that made me look at him shockingly but he has the guts to smirk on me. And then i tried to go closer to my cousin and pinch her in the back, hoping she will notice that something is wrong. But she just looked at me.

And this guy got out from the jeep leaving a trauma in me.