It happened a long time ago. I was just in kindergarten, I think. Tatawagin ako lagi ni Papa na pumunta sa kwarto nila ni mama kapag walang tao sa bahay. And then he will do things. Hindi ko pa alam ang tungkol sa sex non. I didn’t know that whatever he’s doing to me was wrong. I know it’s not normal but he would always bribed me with money and food, basta ‘wag ko lang daw sasabihin sa iba.

As the youngest, hindi ako ang priority, so I tend to accept those bribes even though everything felt wrong. He would always touch me sa legs and sa private part. Good thing, my mother noticed that my father were so close to me so she asked me about it. I answered honestly. My mother told me after that to always say no to my father, and magsumbong daw ako sa kanya.

As I grew up, I harbor hatred feelings toward my father after knowing that what he did to me was sexual abuse. I can’t talk to my mother about it because she always say before na it’s because of the drugs, and mabait naman si Papa dati and ipapahiya lang namin ang sarili namin if magrereklamo pa kami. Sisirain lang ang pamilya. You see, my mother dreamt of having a complete family. But don’t get me wrong, I love my mother so much but it hurts that I need to endure living with my father after what he did to me. Bakit hindi na lang iwan? He was never a good father to me or to my siblings. He was never a good husband to my mother also. Nakakaiyak at nakakagalit.

It hurts also because they think it didn’t affect me as it happened when I was young but they were so wrong. Up until know, I can remember clearly everything that he did to me. It hurts me that my mother could sometimes casually talk about her not choosing to work when I and my elder sister was still young because she’s afraid of that thing would happen. It hurts me that they just assumed I was okay. It hurts me that my mother endured living with my father despite of everything dahil lang sa ayaw niya masira ang pamilya, at para buo pa rin kami. I hope that, that toxic filipino culture will end soon.

I was 9 and in 3rd grade. We used to have big family reunions. That time, dito sa bahay ginanap yung reunion. I was playing with cousins, and I had one cousin who was 15 years old at the time. He brought me to a room na walang tao and did the deed with me. At the time, I had no idea what sex was and thought it was a normal thing cousins do.

I’m 20 now. I still feel the shame, guilt and regret. I haven’t seen my cousin for a long time but the thought that I did it with a cousin scares me.

Grade 1 ako non. Nakaupo ako sa harapan ng school bus namin at nasa pagatan ako ng driver pati yung ka-schoolbus ko. Nakaupo lang ako nang naramdaman kong may nagbaba ng zipper ng palda ko at hawak-hawak yun ng driver namin. Nung nahuli ko siya, dahan-dahan niyang tinaas yung zipper ko at dinahilan na isasara nya dapat kasi nakita niyang nakabukas.

Hindi na ko umupo sa harapan ng schoolbus, lalo na kapag siya yung mag-d-drive.

I guess mga 5-6 y/o ako noong nangyari yun sa labas ng bahay. Di kasi ako makapirmi sa loob ng bahay gusto ko naglalaro ako sa labas. Nung tinawag ako ng kapitbahay naming lalake. syempre pag bata ka, curious at sunod ka rin sa mga nakakatanda sayo, nandodoon sya banda sa likod ng kusina namin nung tinawag nya ako, nasa loob ng bahay sila mama at papa at ang mga ate ko nun nung nangyari yun.

As a child, di ko alam kung anong ibig sabihin nun, nang ipasok ang genitals ng lalake sa likuran mo, kung good or bad at kung normal lang ba yun sa isang bata. At nangyari nga yun. Sabi nya wag ko daw ipagsasabi sa iba. At nung feeling nya na may papalapit na tao banda sa amin, doon na sya tumigil at umalis. Di ko alam na isa na pala yung uri ng molestation.

Way back then, wala akong idea sa sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, at molestation. I was a child.

At naulit muli yun, sa labas uli ng bahay, sa may mga puno ng saging. nung araw na yun, sa harap ko naman nya ipinasok yung genitals nya. habang ginagawa nya ang business nya tinanong nya ako kung may nambubully ba sa akin sa school, sabi ko opo, at sinabi nya na mangyayari rin raw yung nangyayari sa amin sa mga nambubully sa akin (bullshit).

After nun, natatakot na ako sa kanya na makasalubong sa labas ng bahay, natatakot na ako makita sya. May isang pangyayari na, nasa loob ako ng bahay kasama ang ate ko nanunuod ng tv ng sumilip sya sa may bintana (kasi minsan nakikinuod sila sa labas noon) ng tinanong nya kung gusto ko raw makipag laro, naalala ko nun yung takot na parang gusto kong magtago. Umiiwas na ako sa tuwing maglalaro kami ng nakababatang kapatid nya na babae at nandodoon lang sya sa paligid. Natatakot na ako na maulit yung ginawa nya sa akin.

Naisip ko noon na, ginagawa nya rin ba to sa kapatid nya na babae? sa ibang babae? normal lang ba yun?

Pero di ko pa rin nasabi sa mga magulang at mga ate ko ang nangyari sa akin. Sa takot na rin, na baka di ako paniwalaan at baka magkagulo, kasi dito kami nakikirenta sa lupa nila. At ayaw ko ng gulo. Kaya kinimkim ko nalang lahat ng nangyari.

Hanggang sa noong 4th year high school na ako, sa english subject namin nagbreak down ako, iyak ng iyak. kasi narealize ko na di tama yung nangyari sa akin, naawa ako sa sarili ko, naiinis ako sa kanya at naiinis ako sa sarili ko kung bakit di ako nagsalita at hinayaan kong mangyari yun sa akin. Clueless ang mga kaklase at kaibigan ko nun kung anong nangyari sa akin. Hanggang sa nakapag open up ako sa mga close friends ko nung high school about sa nangyari sa akin. Di ko rin akalain na sila rin ay nakapag open up sa akin ng mga experiences nila.

Sa mga kaibigan at boyfriend ko pa lang na open up about sa trauma ko.

Nasa mid-20’s na ako, di ko pa rin masabi sabi sa pamilya ko, kasi hanggang ngayon nandidito pa rin kami nakatira sa lupain ng kapitbahay namin. At di ko alam kung anong maaring gawin nila pag nalaman nila.

Di katulad noon na nabobother at magbbreak down ako kapag naaalala ko ang nangyari, somehow, nakakapag cope up na ako as if nothing really happened. Maybe I can forgive, but I never forget. I hope nakakatulog sya ng mahimbing knowing na may sinira syang parte ng buhay ko.

2nd year college ako non, nang may nakasalubong akong batang pulubi. Nang magkross na ang aming landas, bigla niyang kinapa půke ko. Ang animal, wala na akong nagawa dahil ayokong mawala poise ko.

As 5 year old kid who was curious, dramatic, extremely quiet, and loved impressing people back then.

I miss her, I miss the innocence of just being a kid.

But I just needed to grow up early and be so angry and vengeful as well.

Bagong lipat kami noon sa isang apartment na may babysitter sa dulo ng hallway. And I wanted to make friends and say hi, I didnt expect na ang sasagot is yung asawa niyang laging parang on the brink of collapsing.

He was thin, had a beer belly, and smiled differently at the kids around him. The kids his wife brought in para alagaan, she wasn’t aware of what her husband was up to.

Until now his face haunts my being, masamang mang curse ng tao. Pero the justice, support, and the comfort I needed from the adults around wasn’t there.

It hurts, knowing how dirty it felt. Why you gave in to that person, just because they said they’ll make you feel wiser. Because they had a crush on you, that you were cute and they would never hurt you.

I’ve grown up, but still it lingers, those hands and eyes.

Of the many times it occurred and the many times i didn’t do anything about it, it’s terrifying, absolutely terrifying. and it also scares me how the people who you basically grew up with are the ones who will hurt you first.

The first time I think I first experienced it, I was 12, I’m not even sure if that was the first time or I was just too innocent to even realise anything, but the memory is still vivid to me how I was just innocently having a catch up with an old family friend who was two or three times older than me in a gathering. Most people were already asleep and there were only a handful of people left outside. And since I dreaded small talk and chats, I decided to sit somewhere near the pool and well, he followed me. The night was cold so when he slid his hands inside my jacket to “back hug” me, was okay because it was “normal” and we’ve always treated each other as siblings. But then minutes passed and as he went on with his anecdote his hands were going to places. I was surprised. And scared. I didn’t know what to do. When I felt his hands on my breasts, just kneading and I turn my head to look at him and then I see his face, that damned face that acted to innocent, like as if he wasn’t doing things under my jacket. I was terrified to move. But when I started feeling his hands on my bare skin I knew I had to get away and so I did. With the excuse that I wanted to walk around, I got away.

The second time, my cousin who was ten or fifteen years older, came to town for the holidays. I was sleeping in our room and my cousin said he also wanted to rest, and since we grew up with him, he can easily enter our rooms and sleep wherever. And this time, he decided to sleep next to me. It was early in the morning and it being the holidays, I wanted to sleep in longer than necessary but when my cousin went in bed with me, I didn’t want to stay in bed any longer especially when I started feeling his hands on my body. And yet again, I felt frozen. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t say no. And he seemed to not have any plans of stopping. I only regained my conscience back when someone knocked on the door to call me up for breakfast and I jolted out of bed. I wore my pants, fixed my shirt and got out of the room. I left him there. But he didn’t stop there. Every time he got the chance he would try something. In every visit, in every stolen time, he did something. No matter where we were, who we were with, or the circumstance. He did something.

I feel disgusted. I keep asking myself why the hell can’t I do anything about it. It’s been years but the only people who knew about it were my friends who I had drinks with. I got so drunk that I started seeing things and cried. When I sobered up, they squeezed everything out of me. I felt cornered so I spoke up. But it didn’t make me feel any better. I feel even more disgusted with myself now that people know I’m dirty.

I wish I could scream.