May kasabihan sa mga Pinoy: Manok na ang lumalapit sa palay. Ito ‘yung pagkakataon kung kailan ang babae na ang nagpapakita ng motibo sa lalaking kanyang isinisinta.

Nagkaroon ako ng crush sa college–sa boyfriend ng kaklase ko na bibigyan natin ng initial na A. Hindi ko binalak na agawin ito dahil good friend ko naman si ate; sadyang naging sandalan lang ako ng boyfriend niya sa usapang acads, maging sa mga problema nilang mag-dyowa.

Mga 3rd year na kami nu’n nang halos lahat ng group projects kami’y naging magka-grupo. Isa na du’n ang subject kung saan gagawa kami ng mini documentary. Tatlo kami nu’n sa grupo: ako, sya (A) at isa pang lalaking kaibigan, si B. Dahil siya ang may pinakamalapit na bahay sa school, napag-desisyunan naming sa kanila nalang gumawa ng project, tutal din naman sila ang may desktop computer.

Fast forward sa araw na unang beses kaming nag-overnight, ibinigay niya ang kwarto niya sa amin dalawa ni B. Walang malisya sa akin ang matulog sa iisang kwarto kasama si B dahil alam kong wala rin siyang interes sa akin. Ibinigay sa akin ni B ang kama habang sya ang matutulog sa sahig. Mga bandang alas-dos nang madaling araw, naramdaman kong may humahawak sa bewang ko saka bumulong ang isang pamilyar na boses–si A.

“Pagbigyan mo ‘ko, tigang na tigang na ako; hindi ko kasi matira si (girlfriend)!” pabulong niyang sabi sa akin, “ikaw gusto mo ako ‘di ba?”

Hindi ako makagalaw. Parang nakatali ako sa higaan. Gusto kong tawagin si B pero sa lahat ng pagkakataon pa, ngayon pa sya nakatalikod sa akin. Natatakot din ako sumigaw para magising ang mga magulang ni A na nasa kabilang kwarto? Baka ako pa ang lumabas na mali at sabihin nilang, “hindi gawain ng dalagang Pilipina ang matulog sa bahay ng lalaki.”

Pilit kong linalabanan ang bawat hawak niya sa iba’t-ibang bahagi ng katawan ko. Makalipas ang ilang sandali, sabi niya sa akin (pabulong pa rin), “kung ayaw mo, h’wag. Hindi din naman kita magugustuhan kahit kailan.”

Hindi na ako nakatulog nu’n. Gusto ko na umuwi. Ayaw ko na siya makita. Dahil naging high-alert ako sa paligid ko, sinikap kong matapos ang mga dapat tapusin dahil hindi na rin ako makatulog. Mga bandang alas-kwatro nang madaling araw, naligo na ako at naghanda sa pagpasok.

—

Sa hapag-kainan nu’ng agahan ding iyon, nakatitig lang sa akin si B. Nang matapos maghain ang nanay ni A, kinausap ako ni B. (Nang mga panahong ito, nagbibihis pa si A at kaming dalawa lang ni B ang nasa hapagkainan)

“Meron ka bang gustong sabihin sa akin?” tanong niya.

Umiling ako.

‘Alam ba niya?’ tanong ko sa sarili ko.

“Pwede ka magsabi sa akin ng kahit ano. Alam mo naman ‘yun ‘di ba?” sabi niya.

Tumango lang ako.

“Pero okay lang ako. Wala akong sasabihin sa ‘yo. Kumain na tayo para maaga tayo sa school,” tugon ko.

—

Fast forward sa 2019, ikinasal si A sa kaibigan ko. At nagsilbi akong isa sa mga bridesmaids ng babae kaya’t hindi ko malimutan ang takot at galit na nakikita ko siyang umuusad sa buhay habang ako naiwan sa dilim.

Marahil magtatanong kayo bakit wala akong pinagsabihan hanggang sa mga oras na ito. Takot po kasi ako. Takot ako sa mga magsasabi na ako ‘yung mali. Hindi ito ang unang pagkakataon na nakaranas ako ng pangbabastos pero sa tuwing nagsusumbong ako, laging ako ‘yung may kasalanan. Nakakasawa na marinig ang mga linyang, “dapat kasi…” o kaya “ikaw naman kasi…”–as if ginusto ko.

Isa pa, mabuting kaibigan ko ang asawa na ngayon ni A. Hindi ko maatim na maging malungkot siya kung isusumbong ko ang pambabastos ni A. Pero gusto ko rin maiparating na may mga kaibigan tayo na kahit opposite sex natin, handang tumulong at makinig kagaya ni B.

Nangyari ito 2011 ata. Ngayon 2021, nakikipagkita ako kay B at handa na akong i-open sa kanya ang nangyari ng gabing iyon. Masasabi nating wala nang magagawang pagbabago ang pagsusumbong ko dahil probably too late na, pero makakatulong ito para matanggap ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako ang may kasalanan at hindi ko ‘yun ginusto.

6 months pa lang kaming nag uusap pero mahal ko na siya, anong gagawin ko parang wala naman ata siyang balak i-level up ‘yong amin.

My ex and I had just been sexually awakened at the time. We were rlly in heat, mainly due to teenage hormones, but I was really insecure with my body and myself. He took advantage of it and manipulated me into doing things that I was very uncomfortable with, such as complimenting me just to make me show more skin even after I said I was not okay with it. If I happened to refuse at the time, he’d turn cold and things would get awkward so I just went with whatever he wanted.

With time, my insecurities grew, but I no longer cared whether or not someone saw my body (not that I was exposed to the public). My self-image diminished and I did not see any value in my body anymore.

But, what really broke me was that, even though what I previously said was true, he still took pictures without my consent. That’s when I started seeing myself as nothing more than an object. Someone…something that has no say in anything.

It happened a few years ago, but I’m still healing from it. Little, by little.

i have attachment issues and ive been attached to guy im talking to since last august 2020. and our label is just friends but i know and i feel that there is something more. but it’s really hard because i really dont know him irl. i dont who he is personally. i just know his struggles in life but i really dont know who he is even his face and surname. and its really hard because he’s slowly leaving me and he’s the only person whom i can talk to about my problems.

12 years old.
Grade 6.

May training kami dati all about first-aid sa school. The session was fun and I learned so much on how to aide people with injuries.

Masaya lang ako hanggang matapos ang session not until magkita kami ng aming team leader. He was also 12 that time.

Ihahatid ko sana ang iba kong mga kaibigan pauwi pero pina-stay ako ng team leader namin sa hall.

Wala ng ibang tao noon maliban sa amin.

Pinapaligpit niya yung mga upuan sa akin. Hanggang sa nakaramdam kong may dumadakma sa likod ko. Noong una, naaliw ako kasi crush ko rin naman siya. So, I thought, it was okay.

Kaso, nagulat ako nung ginagalaw niya yung baywang ko. May kakaiba akong naramdaman. Pero, natauhan ako bigla – na hindi pala ito tama.

Naiyak ako kasi akala ko ayos lang, akala ko hindi masakit. Magaling siyang tao kaya hinahangaan ko siya nang sobra. Naulit iyon nang ilang beses, pero pinili kong manahimik dahil napamahal ako sa kanya.

Pero, sobra yung pagtataka ko. Kung ang lahat ba ng nangyari ay ginusto ko kahit labag siya sa loob ko at kahit mahal ko siya.

Grabe! Natuto akong mag-first-aid ng ibang taong may mga galos sa katawan. Pero, hindi ko man lang natutuhan kung paano pagalingin ang sarili kong naiwang sugatan.

I was 12 years old and Grade 6 when it all happened. And it haunts me everytime I want to explore relationships.

I have met someone in omegle last month, I was really open minded in all things kaya people I talk get along well. There’s this guy I talked to, he was good at first I didn’t thought na he’ll such kind of thing. He wanted me to send n*des, but before that I reassured him na hindi niya ikakalata at all that stuff, napanatag naman ako kasi akala ko di siya ganong tao na ikakalat at itatakot ako. We switched from omegle to tg after sending n*des he wanted me to vc but I said I can’t, ayoko. Then I ignored him and cleared our convo. But then this random guy chatted me, na I’m sharing daw n*des I don’t even know him so sabi ko hindi paano mo nalaman na nag s’send ako ng n*des, stuff like that. While I was talking to him he became so manipulative saying na when I don’t send what he wants ikakalat niya daw. I seeked help from my friends sabi i-block ko na daw and ipakulong if ever, I wanted to just deal with him pero hindi yun natuloy because of my frieds, luckily nag chat sila sa’kin.

Then this Sunday around 12:00 am I was on omegle na naman, I talked to this guy pero I didn’t know na siya pala ulit yung guy na nanakot sa’kin, I was so shocked kasi yung anxiety and trauma that he cost will trigger me na naman. I decided to just deal with him nga, because he said na if not ikakalat niya photos ko, yung na screen record niya convo namin ipapadala daw sa bahay naminand ipapatrace niya daw cp no. ko ganon (but he don’t know some of my identity). I sent him what he asked for and the other day I seeked for help from my friends they told me i-block ko na lang kasi na nanakot lang siya para makuha niya gusto niya. For now na block ko na siya, pero I’m still scared kasi I don’t know if totoo ba sinasabi niya or hindi. I hope hindi mangyari yung sinasabi niya.

I just want to share this here bc I don’t know where I should vent this out, luckily I saw this ad. Thank you very much.❤️

inlove ako sa hindi Christian. well, I am. ayokong sabihin sa church dahil alam kong hindi sila papabor. para akong nasasakal. masama bang magmahal? ngayon lang. ngayon lang ako magmamahal ulit.

Pumasok sa one sided friendship/relationship. Feeling ko kasi yun lang ang chance ko to experience “friendship/relationship”. Ginawa lahat. Zero boundaries. As in lahat. Sexually exploited. Mentally and emotionally battered. While nangyayari yon for 5 years, everytime magkakaroon ako ng epiphany.. na mali na… sa sarili ko naman ako walang boundaries..inwardly ako naman mageexploit sasarili ko.. sa mga mali sa akin. Sa mga pangit. All the negatives lumalabas. Bubugbugin ko sarili ko ng mga masasakit na salita then.. babalik ako sa taong yon. Will say sorry sa “drama” ko as he always says kapag nag eexpress ako na mejo mali na treatment.. mga nangyayari. BABALIK DAHIL DESERVING AKO sa ganon. Sasabihin sa sarili na okay na ito. Pwede na ito. DESERVING KA NAMAN SA LAHAT NG TO.

More than yung nangyari sa taong yon, ngayon mas nakita ko na wala akong boundaries at kindness sa sarili. I am trying everyday.

I was 10 when someone stole my first kiss and went over me. We were going playing bahay-bahayan when I suggested let’s make a baby knowing that we will just lay our back and pretend to sleep. You see I grew up in a conservative family and even the mention of crush is not allowed. Having crushes was seen as lust in our family. I was shocked when my playmate went over me and kiss me to my lips. He went on dry humping over me. I was frozen. I didn’t know what is happening, but I felt violated.

I didn’t tell anyone. I was ashamed that someone took my first kiss who is not my husband or boyfriend. It took me 3 years to finally tell my story to my parent, but it was dismissed dahil baka daw naglalaro lang kami. I was invalidated. I felt alone. No one believed me.

Now that I am in my early 20s, I am taking therapy sessions due to nervous break down and psychotic episode last year. My doctor asked my parents about the sexual assault. They claimed they had no idea. One of them really don’t have an idea, but the parent whom I confided told me

“When were you molested? You didn’t even show any signs of being molested, crying, or being lost. Tell me the story or I will dismiss it as hearsay.”

I may not showed it, but my keeps on bothering, telling me that I am tainted in the standard of our religious belief. It took me a decade to tell this story. I just realized why should I be ashamed? I am not the one who violated someone.

To that person, next time we see each other on the premise of family gathering. I will look into your eye without feeling ashamed. To that parent of mine, I cut my relationship with you for a reason. I won’t tell my story anymore when in the first place it fell on deaf ears.