you told me to hug u since you were my bf, but you didnt let go. instead, you tightened the grip on both of my hands. i was so scared and helpless.

I am so afraid of the future. Hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong maisip na career o trabaho na para sa’kin. Wala naman kasi akong talent o kahit kaititng na uniqueness sa katawan.

Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. My parents have been pushing for me to study medicine, pero i know its not just for me. Hindi ko ramdam na kakayanin ko. It’s not what I want to do. Pero hindi ko naman din alam kung ano talaga ang gusto kong maging.

I’m Grade 11 right now and I have been worrying about this since I was in grade 7. I know my family and relatives have great expectations for me. And I am so afraid of what will happen when I won’t be able to catch up to their expectations.

The future is so scary. Some may want to become adults but i can’t help but want to stay like this for a while. Ayoko munang tumanda. I still don’t gave anything to show the world. Nakakatakot pa.

I blame myself for being myself.

I just turned 17 this year and it hasn’t been easy to be the only one who validate almost everyone’s situations and problems. I, myself, I have a problem too. I already talked it out to my friends, teacher, and boyfriend. I used to know my self so well but as I grow up, more problems and complicated situations comes through. I know that I should be tough, chill and all that but as it goes on, I tend to overthink and rush myself to finish 4-5 tasks per day and worry about what to do next. I know that I am the one who build my future but everyone around me also affect it. I feel like everything’s my fault for being a “softy” because I’m a girl not a woman and some people tells me that it’s my fault that I worry other’s problem even if it wasn’t my responsibility.

Home never felt like home ever since. He touches me when I was sleeping and no one’s around. He also tried to hit me when I try to resist.

During grade 6 I had a male teacher that was too close, he was was a fresh graduate and we were his first class he seemed strict but as time went on he became more and more carefree around us we looked as him as a “kuya” trust ko siya but as a young girl I was too naive out of all the students ako ang naging target he chatted me every night called me “maganda” “cute” “sexy” though the memories are vague the feeling of disgust still affects me it scares me because i always think what else did I forget?

What else happened that I couldnt understand back then? Even more horrifying I only realized how wrong his actions were when i reached 8th grade prior to that I was clueless and thought he was “friendly” “palabiro” but no that man shouldnt be a teacher. Take care of young people around you, pedophiles are everywhere, NEVER blame the victim, NEVER justify their actions.

Nahihirapan na ako. I used to be the gifted kid, achiever, they loved me because I was excellent in everything… And that was before. Now, I don’t know. I’m burnt out, I’m a mess. And I feel so lost. I’m at the point na tanging nagagawa ko nalang is surviving my every day. I’m afraid to let my family down again. Ako nalang ang pag-asa nila.

Few years ago my partner cheated on me with his friend whom at that time, I also considered my friend/acquaintance. Fast forward to today, after a lot of lessons on honoring anger, supporting journeys on self-care, conflict resolution, and forgiveness, me and my partner decided to get back together. We have been working hard since to rebuild trust in our relationship. As of the moment, while what we have is not perfect, I can truly say that I am happy.

But, all throughout this time, 2 things still bother me:

1. That I may be perceived by friends, perhaps some people who may know our situation, as “tatanga-tanga”, someone who does not know her worth, or has not learned her lesson. I am a grown woman capable of decision-making. I hate the idea that people might see me as the opposite.

2. My anger towards the other woman still remains despite the time that has passed. I am never going to forgive and forget the things my partner has done before but I am at the moment recognizing that who he is now, as he tries hard to rebuild the trust in our relationship again with me, is someone I can love and trust again. However, this is not the case with the other person. I am still full of resentment and anger that I am unable to hold space for the idea that she is capable of change. I know this is a very biased perspective, and that it is unfair, but I can’t help but feel this way.

Anyway, despite these, I am proud that I learned how to advocate more strongly for myself by honoring, believing, and supporting the parts of me that are tender, full of fear and anger, and are vulnerable. I am learning how these negative emotions, despite being uncomfortable, can also be generative.

I obviously am not thankful for the traumatic experience and don’t like to romanticize it as a helpful teaching moment, but I am thankful for myself, for being strong despite being put in a stressful situation I did not want.

I long for the day that I may be free from the burden of memories that carry a lot of anger and shame so I can (or we) can move forward without fear.