I was a child, around 7 years old. This man works for us he has a wife and three children. I’d only want to keep the kitten my father asked him to send away. He asked me to come with him at our backyard and as I carress the kitten, he went behind me, touching me on my chest, my nipples, dry humping on me.

I wasn’t sure of what’s happening and all I know is “He’s hugging me, isn’t he?” I didn’t know that it was bad, I never asked for help. It happened more than once and until now whenever I remember his birthday, October 3rd, it scares me, just having the thought of him.

Noong 5 yrs old ako, iniwan kami ni mama sa bahay kasama ang pinsan kong may mahigit sampung taon ang tanda sa akin. Kasama ko ang dalawa ko pang lalaking nakababatang kapatid. Maayos kaming naglalaro nang biglang sumali ang aming pinsan. “Laro tayo, tinda-tindahan” pumayag kami sapagkat bilang bata, puro laro ang nais namin. Pinahubad niya sa amin ang pambabang kasuotan naming tatlo at sinimulang kalikutin ang aming ari.

Wala kaming kamalay-malay na gumagawa na siya ng masamang bagay na akala nami’y laro lamang. Pagdating ng mama ko, kinumusta niya kaming tatlo. Ikinuwento kong naglaro kami at doon niya nalamang binaboy ng kamag-anak namin ang maseselang bahagi ng aming katawan. Simula noo’y nalaman kong mali pala ang bagay na iyon at hindi na lumapit pa sa kaniyang muli, kahit pa nakikita ko sya sa family gatherings namin. Hanggang ngayon, dala+dala ko pa rin ang bangungot na iyon.

so ayun, hindi naman siya about sa ex or what kasi kami pa ng boyfriend ko. pero itong trauma na to habang buhay ko na dadalhin talaga.

bumisita yung tito ko na nakatira dati sa bahay namin. bumisita siya dahil kakapanganak lang ng asawa niya, tapos nagulat ako nasa loob siya ng kwarto ko. eh kakatapos ko lang maligo nun, naka towel lang ako kasi of course ang ineexpect ko walang tao sa kwarto ko kasi akin yun. tapos binaba niya sa lapag phone niya, nakaface sa back camera and di ko naman pinakeelaman at first. pero dahil muntik ko na maapakan, kinuha ko and iuusog ko lang sana kasi bago siya lumabas sinabi niya na “wag mo igalaw” tapos i froze talaga katok siya ng katok sa kwarto ko sabi ko di pa ko tapos magbihis, i tried to call my mom pero wala siyang pake. naka video pala the whole time na nagbibihis ako. dinelete ko kaagad kaso di ko alam kung may recently deleted folder. tapos ayun sinabi ko agad sa mama ko after school.

she believed me alright, pero she told me not to tell anyone. kasi masisira daw reputation nila, she told me na nangyari din daw sakanya yun and sa tita ko. she probably thought na comforting yun, pero hindi. i felt so bad about it even after 5 years. he still visits us up to this day. and, i feel weird when he touches my shoulder or ihuhug ako. parang gusto ko umiyak.

tw: sexual harassment, rape

This is the day I will finally tell of my story with my ex from 4 years ago. During college, I had a boyfriend from one of our circle of friends. We were getting along very well, but we decided to keep our relationship secret since he said he “didn’t want our friends bugging and teasing us” and at that moment, as an introvert, I somehow understood him and accepted his reason.

One time we were hanging out at his house and our simple date night turned more intimate as we were making out. That time I never wanted to have sex but he won’t stop touching me (and that time, I thought that was ok, because he ‘loves’ me) so we eventually did it. After that, it has never been the same. I have never felt the same.

I would receive inappropriate touching even during class, or when hanging out with our friends or his friends. He would force me to have sex at school, inside the classroom, laboratory, in his car, in his room, and one time he refused to drop me off his car and went straight to a motel. I asked myself, “Is this even love?” I don’t remember signing up for this.

I somehow got him off of me (temporarily) when he spent his vacation at the US and I went to Manila for my OJT. That time, I was living in a condo unit with my friends, including his bestfriend who is my classmate. At night, I would feel someone touching my breasts and my hips and I can’t sleep comfortably without feeling something between my legs. I was afraid to open my eyes and I just froze every time this happened. One night, my girlfriends (and co-OJTs) were doing a house party at our condo and drank. After a few minutes I crawled back to my room, drunk, and I slept. Suddenly, after an hour or so, I woke up because I caught his bestfriend on top of me, raping me.

I finally got the chance to confront my ex about his bestfriend and he said, “Ako nga nagsabi sa kaniya no’n para ma-experience niya ‘yung kinukuwento ko.” (I was the one who told him to do that so he can experience first-hand what I was telling him [about you].)

He even told me “Para nae-experience ko pa rin kahit nasa US ako.” (So I still could get the hang of the experience (through him) even if I’m in the US.)

I never felt so vulnerable in my life and eventually gathered up any reason to break up with him, but he refused. I was trapped for a few more months until I caught him, first-handedly, cheating. I ghosted him and left that current circle of friends as I dealt with toxicity (I even resorted to self-harm), and recovery.

Now, every time I see him and his friend, I still get judgmental stares and smirks. I always ask myself, “Why do I get so much of the hate and blame for something I never wanted to do?”

I hate it so much it makes me feel dirty and hate my body too, but I think I can never fully heal the scar until I start talking about it.

Yung first boyfriend ko, kapag napunta kami sa haus nila, nagki-kiss kami kaya lang may kasunod ‘yon, pinapahawak niya sa akin yung private part niya at hinahawakan niya yung sa akin. Kapag sinasabi kong tama na, lalo siyang hindi natigil at nagagawa niya pang magalit kapag tumatanggi ako.

Hindi madali ang lahat, sinamantala ng boyfriend ko ang pagkakataon na hindi ko kasama ang ang mga magulang ko noong mga oras na iyon. Sabi niya pupunta sya sa bahay para makita nya ako, I was 17 years old that time. Pero pagdating ng alas dose pinilit nya akong makipagtalik sa kanya, yun daw ang paraan para hindi ko na siya iwan. Tumanim sa isip ko ang mga nangyari noon, na kahit hanggang ngayon na 20 years old na ako, bumabalik pa rin.

Nakipaghiwalay ako sa kanya dahil alam kong maraming mali na. Pakiramdam ko maraming nawala sa akin. Pinipilit niya ako laging makipagsex sa kanya. Hindi ko naman alam kung tama na magsumbong nong mga oras na ‘yun. Noong naghiwalay kami, maraming nagtaka at nagalit dahil bakit daw ako nakipag hiwalay.

A place where you think is safe, is the complete opposite of what you expected.

I am very active in our church back then, I was 14 years old at that time (I am currently 18 years old). There was this guy who is in his early 30’s that I am on good terms with. He is well known and respected in the church for his kindness and friendliness. He often chatted me with good morning and good night text which back then I did not consider as a red flag, rather a ‘Kuya’ that is being thoughtful to his junior. He also helps me with my church duties.

One time we are alone inside the church office (the max capacity of the office is estimated at 60 people, it is big.) I feel uncomfortable around him so I attempted to finish my duties quickly and go home, however, he insists on me staying longer. We talk casually, and he moved his chair beside me. I am trying to ignore his presence by pretending I am busy. Afterward, he tries to poke my breast using the end of his right elbow. I subtly move distant from him inch by inch. Consequently, he insisted to come near me and started to rub my thighs ( I am wearing a palda at that time with a length up to my knees.) I escaped the traumatizing event when someone came; Unfortunately, no one witnessed it.

I became inactive in the church since then. I just lately realized that it was a sexual assault when I opened up about it to my sister.

Nung bata ako I was sexually harassed by my uncle.. I developed Stockholm Syndrome which means I fell for him. Heck, I even enjoyed our little time. Ilang taon nangyayari yon nag umpisa ng 9 ako until 17. Recently nalaman kong ikakasal na sya and saktong pumunta kami sa kanila niyakap niya ako sa likod sanabi niyang “wow ang laki mo na” hindi ko alam ano mararamdaman ko alam ko lang ang “saya” ko nung niyakap niya ko na hanggang ngayon ramdam ko padin yakap niya.

Kinabukasan non kinasal na siya, dalawa anak niya actually. At the time I keep thinking bakit ako hindi niya… Pinili? Pero natawa ako naalala ko pamangkin niya nga pala ako. Ewan ko ba. Siya ang unang halik ko muntikan pa ngang unang talik pero ayaw daw niyang siya ang kukuha non. Grooming ata tawag sa ganon no? I’m not sure atoko kase ipahalata na affected padin ako hanggang ngayon kahit may nobyo nako. Yun lang gusto ko ikwento. salamat

Hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin masabi kay Mama kung anong ginawa sa akin ni Papa nong pumunta kaming Cebu. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin kayang matulog na may katabi.

Gabi gabi niya akong hinahawakan, gabi gabi rin akong nagigising na para akong nasa impyerno. Ang pinaka masakit pa sa lahat, mas pinili ko ang pananahimik para walang gulo.

At ang taong ikanala kong isasalba ako sa sitwasyon na ‘yon, wala rin ginawa. Tiniis niya lang ako.